As many of you know, my co-author, Kyle, has been doing weekly interviews with fellow authors where he asks them all kinds of odd questions instead of the same ol’ same ol’ interview stuff. I was one of his first victims and I had a blast, but still wanted a bit of payback for some of the nastier questions he asked me. Kyle, being the good sport that he is, agreed to sit down for my own version of his bizarre interviews.
Without further ado, here’s how it went:
Hey Kyle! Thanks for being a good sport and taking it as well as you dish it. I’ll try to do your weird interviews justice. So what do you write? I know this, but for the sake of people new to you and all that.
A bit of everything. Basically anything under the banner of speculative fiction. I just write whatever I’m thinking at the moment.
What are you thinking right now?
Weird cult stuff.
Not surprised, considering Teabreeze. If you were to join a cult, what would the basic criteria need to be? I need to know for… reasons.
Well, I would need to be the only guy there, and I would need them to deeply believe the world is ending and that I am their only hope to repopulate.
The next big food craze is a creamy white soup called “Baboon Cum”. Everyone who tries it absolutely loves it, but the chef will not disclose his secret recipe. Do you give it a shot?
Yeah, why not. Just hope it isn’t too salty.
Follow up: Want to come to my next dinner party? I have this really great soup I want you to try.
Sure, as long as you’re starting a re-population cult.
You’ll be the first to know, if I do. Wouldn’t dealing with a ton of women and all our emotions and feelings be kind of taxing for one guy? Or are you up for that challenge?
You’d think that, right? I have a theory, though. If I am the only guy left in the world, the entire future of humanity depends on if I bang them or not. I could literally withdraw(heh) my support at any time in a completely apathetic display. They will have to do everything in their power to keep me happy. I expect frequent home cooked meals and foot rubs.
Wouldn’t all your kids be banging each other in the next generation, though? I feel like there should be at least one other dude for the sake of genetics.
Yeah probably, I just assumed the male kids would bang the other moms that aren’t related to them. Fixed.
I’d share with my kids, I’m not a monster.
Fair enough. We shall call it The Order of the MILF. Unless you’ve got one better?
Works for me.
Sorted. Next question. Political beliefs aside, would you rather bang Trump or HRC? (P.S. Payback is a bitch, mothafucka)
Hillary, due to her vagina. Plus, Donald looks like a selfish lover.
Can’t argue with that. Now that that’s settled, have you ever hurt or embarrassed yourself during a self-love sesh? (Yeah, I used “sesh” to add to the cringe of this question.)
Hurt myself jerking off? God no, I’m no rookie.
No embarrassing walk-ins? Good for you, man!
I mean, I’ve had people walk in, but it doesn’t stop me from finishing. They should have knocked.
True. Inconsiderate bastards! So, I’m still thinking about that episode of Catfish where the guy was convinced he was in an online relationship with Katy Perry, (Those who haven’t seen it – DVR that shit. It’s insane!) Anyway, if you were to catfish, what celebrity would you pretend to be?
Hmmm. Probably the guy from Supernatural. He’s not really a big actor but chicks seem to dig him.
There are two leads in Supernatural. Right or left? This data should be accurate for science.
Alright, alright, I can dig it. Speaking of interesting duos… Why do you write with me so much? Are you hoping for nudes, or…?
We work well together and can do an entire chapter from the other person’s perspective and still nail it. We’re a good writing duo, I think our skills compliment each other. Plus, I want to see your butt hole at some point.
Aww thanks! Noted. I have yet to figure out how to take a flattering photo of an asshole, but a girl can dream. Now that my ego is appropriately stroked… Would you go gay for any of the male characters you have written? If so, who?
Not by choice, but if I had to, I’d say Thorin. He is a gentleman and would probably take it easy on me. Plus, then he’d let me wear his cool armor.
Nice, I could go for some Thorin so I totally get it. Speaking of, is another Reddened Wasteland coming out or are you just fucking with us?
Yes, probably at the beginning of next year. My problem is that I have the entire series planned in my head so it’s just a matter of writing it all down, which is a huge chore. So, in the mean time, I just come up with new stories as I write them, and react to the last chapter I was working on. Always keeping myself entertained and on my toes.
Sorry, this is not weird. I’m drifting into real questions. Ew.
Would you rather lose one ball or grow an extra?
Grow an extra toe, I can simply cut it off.
Extra ball. Same answer?
Would you allow a superfan to buy your preserved extra ball on ebay? What would be a reasonable price, you think?
Yes, and the price will be the exact price of a GTX 1080. Because I need one.
Which of your fans would be the most likely to buy your preserved ball on ebay?
Probably Thai Preyer.
Well now you have Secret Santa ideas for when Christmas rolls around in your fan group. You’re welcome. Next question: If you were to have an exotic animal ranch, what would you raise?
Wolves, they’re like dogs. I imagine it would be easier than say a whaleshark.
Right on. Yeah, plus whalesharks are boring and wolves are all majestic and shit. Alright, I think we will end this with a… *drumroll* RAPID FIRE WOULD YOU RATHER FINALE!!!
Would you rather wear someone else’s dirty underwear or use their toothbrush?
Eat chocolate pudding that tastes like shit, or shit that tastes like chocolate pudding?
I’d eat the shit. lol. I could get it down if it tastes like pudding.
Swim 300 meters through shit or dead bodies?
Dead bodies, I just can’t do shit. lol
You’ll like this next one: Would you rather experience the beginning of planet earth or the end of planet earth?
The beginning, just so I could legitimately say “God didn’t do it.”
Be the funniest person in the room, or the most intelligent?
I think those two things go hand in hand.
Not always, I’ve known plenty of unfunny smart people.
I haven’t. Guess we have a different sense of humor. lol.
FOLLOW THE RULES, KYLE! WOULD YOU RATHER. NOT DEBATE. Rapid fire would you rather is ruined. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you trailblazer. 😉
Well, thanks for enduring my weird interview! Anything you want to plug before we shut this baby down?
My thunderclap and preorder.
Kyle’s next book comes out Sept. 15th!!! You can Pre-Order on Amazon!
Here’s the ThunderClap campaign for Teabreeze to help spread the word on release day!
Thanks for reading! Later y’all!
4 thoughts on “Bizarre Author Interview – Payback Edition!”
Reblogged this on Author Kyle Perkins and commented:
Lila interviewed me!
Reblogged this on Bobsmama Book reviews and more.
That third question had me dropping my mouth open in shock…y’all crazy, lol!
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I tried to ask the hard hitting questions, ya know? LMAO
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